🔗 Share this article

As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.